Mindful Masculinity

Disclaimer: I am not a dating coach nor am I selling any dating products or services this blog is really for recreational usage to reflect on my previous experiences in daygame and to share my insight. For those wondering I am based in London/Nice/San Fransisco so for those who want to network in the future please email darrenpua1@gmail.com thanks

Tom Torero’s suicide definitely hurt me- he was an incredibly impactful person on not just my dating life but I am sure tens of thousands of men across the world . Someone who grabbed life by the balls and really through his passion and dedication became one of the best dating coaches ever – in my eyes personally he was the best to ever do it. As I’ve written posts about his death before hand in my blog I wanted to focus in on how his death affects PUA and the men’s self development and dating community . Ill be assessing his death , what I thought Tom could have done to maybe save himself and the impact this might have long term on future dating coaches looking to enter the space. 

Danya Hajjaji 

Im no expert in law – I don’t know if Danya Hajjaji could be accused to be wholly responsible for Tom Torero’s death. But one thing I don’t understand was why is this ugly piece of shit busy writing about dating coaches and trying to destroy their lives when she could be spending that time writing about actual articles about her homeland Libya which has been drenched by civil war and unrest. It seems like she’d rather ruin one person who inspired many men like myself to find girlfriends and wives than focus on things that actually matter. Why was she so dedicated to ruining his mode of income as well? It’s such a shame. I can only hope that the pushback from the men’s self development community  at least – to some degree harms her future career opportunities . In my eyes she’s a murderer – I might be wrong in saying that but when you take away the source of income from a man with a history of depression you’re an abuser in my eyes at the very least. I hope faces some karma for this in the future at least. 

Was Tom Torero self-aware enough about the increasing media ridicule dating coaches were facing. 

Now to be fair there were signs Tom was concerned given that he deleted his Youtube channel before and spend long time during covid making no content. Maybe him disappearing was a sign that he was dealing with some internal demons as he had claimed before he started daygame he had depression and anxiety issues at university and was mentally not well at points in his life .  But in my eyes the media shitstorm of Pua was already in full swing with the BBC  PUA documentary in 2019 surely he should’ve known that doing  voice recordings of him sleeping with girls and providing analysis of said instances was going to face some rebuttal . After all with RSD and Simple Pickup  gone it was clear he was the next most obvious target . I wish he’d have cut the infield completely and stuck to one on one coaching to give his critics no way to exploit him. Unfortunately he left himself too open with the voice recordings of him taking a Polish girl’s virginity – I mean why did he need to record that I don’t know. He could’ve just said he’d done it and I would’ve believed him so. 

Was there a good enough support system for him ? 

The problem with some men who face depression is they’re not open and honest about it – ok this is easier said than done but I guess some men don’t want to be a burden on others or when they are need of support they don’t reach out . If Tom had simply made an urgent request to donate bitcoin  for example  I believe he may have had enough donations to make up for his losses of income from coaching , from PayPal and from his loss of WhatsApp but I guess im just spitballing I don’t really know.  

Paypal were a contributor to his loss of business funds so too were YouTube but I think Torero could’ve adapted here by using Bitcoin as a payment method instead as I said before. 

Also for a player with 100s of lays couldn’t some of his ex girlfriends helped him out? Given the amount of conquests he had accomplished he seemed like a lonely guy with a relatively small circle – a big support network it seemed but I was saddened to see him still in so much isolation in his last year day gaming seemingly lone wolfing it around Switzerland (judging by one of his last ever podcast episodes) It was a shame to see someone who’d dedicated his life to building connections with others end up so isolated – but it seems this was out of choice – there’s not much you can do to help someone if they choose to be alone and isolated all the time. 

In General Dating Coaching is now a high risk profession 

At least I see it that way. Dating coaches are ridiculed for promoting rape culture, have the potential to face media ridicule and in such extreme case have funds and sources of income cut in the case of Tom Torero . Another similar example was Simple Pickup in 2013 which saw funds to a breast charity stopped after one of their Youtube videos was alleged to be promoting rape culture – although that example is pretty different from Tom’s – Torrero’s example was the first of it’s kind in terms of someone actually losing their income from Youtube and Paypal simultaneously whilst other YouTube channels that hand infield like John Anthony’s and The Natural Lifestyles continued to live on . The impact this will have long term on the community I think is clear to see as other major seduction companies are losing sales like TNL as I posted here:  

mindful-masculinity.org/2024/06/05/assessing-the-fall-of-james-marshalls-the-natural-lifestyles/

And one on the general decline of the dating industry here: 

mindful-masculinity.org/2023/12/13/why-the-mens-pua-and-dating-self-development-scene-has-declined-so-much/

Why would there be a new generation of people coming to this space when they’ve seen the old ones so brutally targeted? Baring SoSauve and the Reddit seduction forums  it’s hard to see even a dating forum which is actually active . It seems the “good old days”  are gone and most probably won’t ever come back .  

Dating Coaching is a suffocating profession

The risks dating coaches take now are 10 fold – they risk being outcasts to society for one – their long term durability is in question and their adaptability towards seeking new careers is also at risk. If you take Tom Torero’s example once Danya Hajaji outed his real name it was going to be impossible for Tom to pursue other career paths as who on earth is going to hire a media ridiculed PUA coach. Furthermore by taking his income away from PUA via Paypal blocking accesses to him receiving payment Tom lost his income and had little chance of recuperating other modes of income or other jobs . A similar occurrence happened when Game Global leader Ice White got outed by the Daily Mail for things he wasnt responsible even for https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-9729855/British-childrens-author-Game-Global-social-network-pick-artists.html now his potential career is harmed by false accusations from a media outlet and these accusations will stay with him for life .

Admiration For Tom Torero 

In an era of bs dating products like Tinder Seduction Guides,  crappy AI wingmen products that don’t work and men too pussy to really confront their fears in real life and just actually approach Tom was a proactive voice. He talked the talk and walked the walk so much so he actually purchased a van and roamed around Europe using it as a mode of transport to meet and attract women in it and even used said van as a place to bone the women he approached. His dedication was unique and is something that is dearly missed today in the “red pill” which I’ve discussed before. It’s so rare to see an actively proactive dating coach now and he made a lot of free value with his podcasts that can still be found today online for free on YouTube. He was well and truly one of a kind in what he offered for the men around him and he really focused in on the fundamentals and cut through his excuses . 

Hero but a flawed individual ? 

Having gamed with one of Tom Torero’s previous wingmen I was somewhat put off by said person’s personality as a seemingly “jack the lad” type of guy which a good percentage of Tom Torero’s wingmen were. Per certain podcast interviews  a lot of them were old depressives who had missed out on their earlier dating lives and were now trying to make an impact in their late 30s-40s. Of course good for them for actually taking action but not the most “high value” group of people. I guess that was the beauty of daygame coaches like Tom and Yad – they were proactive and just took action regardless of their flaws as individual people and gave the average Joe no excuse.  I guess that was the beauty of him- he was so relatable – he’d been through the struggles, anxiety  etc. that a lot of men faced and he still came back from his divorce to have a successful dating life. Similar to that of James Marshall and Nick Krausser – who both endured divorces before their commitment to day game and coaching ( although it could be argued that James Marshall’s divorce came after he started coaching ) 

Tom never had excuses- he never hid behind dating apps , he went out and did what he needed to do and set an example . Its rare now days you see such proactive people – in an era were people talk the talk but subsequently do not walk the walk – this era of “taking photos with people you aren’t even dating/ and never actually doing any cold approaching ” cough* Michael Sartain, Ice White just to name a few . It is nice to see someone who actually goes out there who walks the walks and talks the talk. 

He also released a fake kiss close infield which was disappointing – when coaches aren’t honest its always difficult to know who to trust . With Simple Pickup’s ex coach Jesse releasing a fake dating app , Michael Sartain taking photos of people he’s not even dating , RSD members hiring Ukrainians to take photos with etc. these marketing gimmicks of the self help- pua industry seemingly tarnish peoples viewpoints on the leaders in this space.  Even though I admire Tom’s graft and work ethic Im aware there is evidence he’s a scammer and a not an honest person. You should look to take the positives out of everyone and use your critical thinking skills to analyse the negative attributes they have and not fall into the trap of thinking these Puas are perfect Gods- I wrote an article summarising the points here: mindful-masculinity.org/2023/12/07/10-critical-factors-you-need-to-consider-from-dating-coaches-marketers-course-sellers/

Not always easy to walk the talk 

Tom Torero always shilled the importance of personal responsibility especially in his late dating podcasts . But he found It difficult himself to exert personal responsibility on his own somewhat- in his last year podcasting he appeared to be out drinking a lot and living a relatively rogue life in Switzerland and Russia. Denouncing the “conspiracy theories” around Covid and urging his listeners to take action to be more proactive individuals in their own dating lives often criticising students for being lazy or using family/money to enhance their dating lives.  It’s hard to walk the walk in dating – but a lot of self development teachers themselves don’t seem to walk the walk themselves. I see this in a lot of dating coaches today- Michael Sartain an example of a dating coach and podcaster who does no approaches himself and Richard Cooper who never seems to have any positive dating experiences but has somehow gleaned a living out of selling dating courses and of course there is  Simple Pickup whom one member Jesse just turned into straight scam towards the end in Jesse who pitched his online dating scam apps. It seemed like progression and genuine progress was something that was hard to do and a lot of these coaches themselves really couldn’t progress well out of ruts- mainly staying in them or not showing much active improvement in their own lives. It shows how easy it is to preach the rules of self help and improvement but how hard it is to survive when the going genuinely gets tough. 

Inability to maintain LTRs 

This is a flaw that seemed to be evident with Tom- in his final year he documented his trip to Russia and a relationship with a Russian ex which he said “seemed to be fading and he seemed to be losing the frame” Tom seemingly jumped from new relationship to new relationship consistently over 10-20 years. Im wondering if that played any part in the destruction of his mental health. The player lifestyle can certainly take its toll – you’re dealing with a lot of emotions from women both in the success and rejections . He seemed incapable of holding someone down long term and seemed to constantly detest the thought of it. Although I believe he had some good ideas In terms of men rushing in and over committing to soon to relationships you would have thought he would have had more positive LTR experiences to show for his years dating . Maybe a successful LTR would’ve been good for him but so many players have built an identity and a brand around being single that the jump towards marriage or an LTR seems beyond them. 

PUA Must be more discrete now 

I feel  in someways Tom was unfairly targeted by the mainstream media and heavily attacked – despite other dating coaches seemingly have done things on par if not worse examples including Julian Blanc with his ridiculous Japan infield but then again it was inevitable that there would be a media crusade coming- perhaps he should’ve hid better and reverted to accepting Bitcoin payments instead of Paypal. I think its important for all dating coaches now to understand the risks associated with being a dating coach- they are very high as I’ve written in my previous blogs and the rewards seemingly dwindling just look how low James Marshall’s high ticket sales have become: mindful-masculinity.org/2024/06/05/assessing-the-fall-of-james-marshalls-the-natural-lifestyles/

I think his death will create more caution around the old guard and to some degree hinder a new one coming in I just hope his legacy will remain and with the sheer amount of useful podcasts and content he produced Im sure it will .